Critical Analysis: Free

[Adminbot]

~Free's Original Post~

The raid was over. The Mandalorians had moved from attackers to helpers; as ordered by Ordo. They began removing the countless corpses along with the Jedi, and rebuilding. Though it would be a long time before this place would be restored to it's former glory.

Kal sat in the grass drinking from a water bottle that had been handed to him by one of the oh so kind Jedi. He rubbed his slightly soar throat and coughed. It hurt to swallow, but his thirst overwhelmed the pain. Canderous had been taken into the Enclave to be treated, while Bastila and the Council conversed with the Twi'lek leader of some type of beastly zoo. Kal had to hold back the urge to blast one of the fowl little Tachs and make a fresh brew of ale. He licked his lips at the thought, wondering when was the last time he had a nice drink.

The smuggler pushed himself up and started towards Carth, who was standing near his speeder. Due to his rather late entrance he was laughed at. The event was even able to get a chuckle out of his stick up her ass General. Kal took a last gulp from his bottle and threw it to the side.

"Great," Carth mumbled under his breath as Kal approached. "Now are you gonna laugh at me?" He asked.

Kal smirked. "Silly Carth," He swung a leg over the Soldiers Speeder and sat on it. "I'm always laughing at you. And even though you might not always see it on the outside," He placed a hand over his heart. " I want you to know I'm always laughing right here... right here." He patted his chest while giving Carth a reassuring smile.

"Great..." Onasi said again.

Sliding his hand from his chest and into his pocket, Kal pulled out his hair tie. "But you sure are one brave and loyal man." He pulled his dreads back.

Carth threw Kal a confused look, wondering if he had just received a complement from the Kiffar.

"I mean, coming back for your General even if you might die is one brave thing to do. You are one hell of man." he finished tying back the dreads.

Carth blinked. "Wh- why thank you, Ka-"

"Or you are one hell of a fool." Kal nodded. "Yea, I think I'll lean towards that."

Carth grimmed the Smuggler. "Well a smuggler running off to fight a man 10 times his strength isn't much better."

The Kiffar made a popping sound with his lips. "That is true, very very true." Kal glanced over towards the enclave. Bastila and her new friend were coming their way. "Hey Soldier Boy, aren't you suppose to be saluting or some-" He paused, double taking as a young girl appeared from nowhere and began groping the Jedi Princess. Kal couldn't help but laugh. Bastila wrestled herself from the young girls kung fu grip and then reprimand her guards that everything was ok from the surprise 'attack'.

"Now young lady, that is no way for a girl to act." Bastila lectured.

"But they are so nice!" the young girl rebutted.

Kal laughed again. "I like this girl."

"Umm, thank you. But, you don't want to end up like that dirty black man over there." She pointed at Kal, who was sucking his teeth.

"Heh, you also don't wanna end up like a spoiled racist princess. Though, i must say the girl has good taste." He gave Bastila a wink. "And ask for you young lady." He threw his hand up to his hair line, "Keep up the good groping" He saluted.

The girl gave a him a thumbs up. "I'd grope you too if you had bewbs!!!" She yelled.

"..." Kal slowly looked forward, a confused expression covering his face.

Bastila giggled, as Carth smirked.

"Um, thank you...." Kal looked around, and then started up the Speeder. "Anyways, I hope you guys have a nice walk back to the ship. Maybe Bastila will inform you on how the battle went, Carth. since you did miss it and all."

"Walk?" carth questioned. "Thats my Speeder. And the General is the one who should be on it."

"Well, i was going to give her a ride back to the ship, but after that blatantly rude comment, I believe she deserves to walk and think about what she's done." He cracked his neck. "You know, Carth, I have this odd feeling that this all could have been avoided if you knew how to use a sword." he shook his head.

"How would that change anyth-" Before he could finish his question the speeder was gone.

Kal made a quick trip to the ship to fill up the speeder, check on the injured Ace, and retrieve his belongings. Once done he took off to pay a visit to his past.

[Adminbot]

~Assessment~

To start with, I'll just give a bit of recap. Your posts are always very comedic and entertaining, yet the spelling and grammar are almost always poor. It's like taking a wonderful painting, and then smearing it with the wrong colors. It greatly detracts from the quality of a post when the spelling and grammar are inconsistent and littered with mistakes. So, let's go through this post and look at what aspects of the spelling and grammar you need to improve on. Because everything else you do is very good, I don't feel like any other areas are necessary to review.

So the general layout will go something like this: I'll post your original text in red, then point out a few weak parts of that text, then post my recommended fix in blue.


The raid was over. The Mandalorians had moved from attackers to helpers; as ordered by Ordo. They began removing the countless corpses along with the Jedi, and rebuilding. Though it would be a long time before this place would be restored to it's former glory.

Right here in the opening paragraph, we've already got some problems. That semi-colon is being used incorrectly. Semi-colons are the grammatical equals to periods, in that they signify a break in the current sentence's train of thought. Stylistically, they can be used to link two similar trains of thought, but the general idea is still the same. How you used it here is both unnecessary and bad for the flow of the sentence. At most, that spot would deserve a comma. Then there's the last bit of the next sentence, "and rebuilding". It feels much weaker than the previous clause in the sentence, where you expanded the "removing" with more description. Good sentences have balance, and this sentence did not display balance at all. Interestingly enough, that period at the end of the sentence could also have been used as a semi-colon. Additionally, that last sentence's "it's" does not need that apostrophe. As a final word of advice, the descriptors in here seem a bit too simplistic, and it feels very rough and uneven. Try to dress it up a little.

At last, the raid had reached its end. Those Mandalorians that had formerly been attackers had now become assistants, thanks to the orders from their new leader Ordo. They, along with the Jedi, had started removing the plethora of corpses from the battlefield, as well as rebuilding the wreckage that was the Enclave; though it would most certainly be some time before this place would be restored to its former glory.


"Great," Carth mumbled under his breath as Kal approached. "Now are you gonna laugh at me?" He asked.

Something that bothered me about this section is the manner in which Carth asked Kal that question. It doesn't seem to imply that he's been laughed at before, and instead puts emphasis on the timing of Kal's mocking him. Try to be aware of how characters interact with one another, and try to inflect their previous interactions into the questions they ask pertaining to those interactions.

"Oh, great," the thoroughly embarrassed Captain mumbled under his breath as he saw Kal approaching. "So I expect you're going to laugh at me too?" he asked with a tone resigned to his fate of being mocked.


"Um, thank you...." Kal looked around, and then started up the Speeder. "Anyways, I hope you guys have a nice walk back to the ship. Maybe Bastila will inform you on how the battle went, Carth. since you did miss it and all."

"Walk?" carth questioned. "Thats my Speeder. And the General is the one who should be on it."

Capitalization is important, but not for the wrong things. You made a point to capitalize "speeder" (which is also a misnomer, since it's a Swoop Bike), but then missed capitalizing Carth's name when he responded to Kal. You also used a period where a comma should be, and you forgot to use an apostrophe when showing possession.

"Um, thanks for that..." Kal wasn't entirely sure how to respond to the 'compliment' of the little breast fiend. Instead, he decided to start up the swoop bike he had borrowed from Carth. "Well, you all have a nice walk back to the ship. Carth, maybe Bastila can tell you how the battle went, since you did miss it and all..."

"Walk?" Carth inquired, obviously thinking along different lines than Kal. "That swoop is the one I brought out here, and General Shan is the only one who should be on it."


~Conclusion~

Alright, well, I didn't go through every part of the post, since it would just be rehashing the same things over and over. Instead, I picked out the parts that I felt highlighted your mistakes so you could get a good look at them. The top three things you need to work on:

1) Proper usage of commas, colons, semi-colons, and periods

2) Apostrophe use at the appropriate times (especially when showing possession)

3) Capitalization (you missed a lot of "i"s in this post, and a few proper nouns.