Critical Analysis: Iam

[Adminbot]

((This post will only contain Iam's original text. The critique will be in the next post.))

~An'mular~

As An'mular landed in front of the enclave, he was surprised by a couple of things. First, he noticed that he accumulated more kath hounds than he had previously. It seems the power of the crystal attracted 8 kath hounds as he flew over the plains of Dantooine, refilling his ranks to 20. As he looked at his new troops, he also noticed he was down to only 5 tach. He sent for reinforcements from his ship. A minute later, 15 tach came running out of the enclave and joined the others.

With his army replenished, An'mular focused on the other thing that surprised him upon arrival, the carnage littering the grounds. As he stepped over the corpses of mandalorians and jedi, he wondered why the mandalorians would do such a thing. He was just happy that the battle was over and the enclave was mostly intact. The twi'lek was especially relieved to see the council and Bastila unharmed as they worked on cleaning up the battlefield.

As he walked past the council, he was stopped by Master Vandar, "An'mular, I'm glad you're here."

An'mular stopped and approached the council and Bastila, "Yes, master?"

"I haven't seen Master Vrook in some time, did you happen to see him out on the plains?"

"Yes, I aided him in battle against Instinct. He should be on his way back to the enclave."

"Hmm, so this Instinct has once again meddled in jedi business, this is most disturbing." said Master Zhar.

"I agree" Master Dorak chimed in, "considering these recent events, I think it would be wise if you told us more about this Instinct."

"He is very powerful, there is no doubt about that. I have learned much of his skills between my two encounters with him, not to mention the events with Juhani in the grove."

"Yes, the events in the grove revealed much on his powers of mental persuasion." Vandar reflected on the information An'mular had told him previously. "What else have you learned of his abilities?"

"Well, he is extremely fast and seemed to have no problem at all keeping up with the likes of Master Vrook. He also used some sort of sith alchemy to summon beasts to aid him in battle. They weren't normal beasts either, but something had been done to them to boost their strength and give them a powerful poison to their attacks."

Bastila seemed a little concerned, "A foe like this could definitely be a problem."

"Well, Instinct may only be the beginning of our problems. The battle also revealed there are more like Instinct. Not only that, but they may be even more powerful."

"How do you know this?" Zhar asked

"Instinct spoke of brothers who are even faster than him. He also mentioned his master several times. Juhani was meant to join his group, until he was disappointed at her performance. He even attempted to recruit me."

"This is a disturbing turn of events, indeed" Vandar said. "We will meditate on this."

Bastila chimed in, "I know someone who I think would very much desire this information. An'mular, come with me and I'll introduce you to Captain Newgate."


~Belegolf~

After hearing some howls behind him, Belegolf did his best to turn around. Unfortunately, it was slow going since the ent was unable to get good footing on the metal floor. Before he completed his turn, wolves already started latching on to him. Two wolves went for his legs, biting relentlessly. Another wolf used the debris in the area to jump onto Belegolf's back and dig it's claws into the bark of the ent.

Despite the pain, Belegolf finished his turn just in time to see a wolf jumping toward his face. Before the wolf could make it to his target, Belegolf swiped downward, hitting the beast in mid-air. The wolf was spiked hard into a pile of debris, causing an explosion of wood and dust. When the dust settled, Belegolf saw the wolf impaled through the chest by a wooden stake.

Before he could get too happy over the first kill, a bite to the back of his neck caused the ent to roar in pain. Belegolf reached behind his head and grabbed the wolf with both hands. After squeezing it for a minute to help loosen it's grip on bark, Belegolf flung the wolf over his head. The gray, furry body went hurdling through the air until smashing the wolf head first into the metal wall. If by any miracle the wolf actually survived this impact, it surely was finished off by a near forty foot fall onto the hard metal floor.

With two wolves still gnawing at his trunk, Belegolf tried all he could to release their grip. He could have just ripped them off, but unfortunately, if he did, they would take an awful lot of bark with them. He tried bending down and punching the beasts, but they fought through the pain and kept latched onto the ent. He attempted to shake them off, but their teeth were embedded deep in his legs and wouldn't come loose. Belegolf was now growing exceedingly frustrated with the situation and violently kicked his legs out in a desperate attempt to free himself from the jaws of these beasts. He kicked so hard, in fact, that Belegolf lost his fragile balance and took a hard fall to the metallic floor.

With better access to the ent's entire body, the wolves released their bites and both headed for Belegolf's head. Belegolf quickly shook off the daze from the fall and saw the two gray figures sprinting toward him. Both wolves jumped in unison toward his head, but found themselves caught in midair by two wooden hands. They attempted to bite their way out, but nothing would loosen the ent's kung-fu grip on the animals.

With the wolves still clutched in his branches, Belegolf struggled with standing up on the slick floor. By now the woman had realized that her pets wouldn't get the job on their own and she began to charge toward the ent who was now standing and facing her direction once again. As she got closer, she could hear cracks as Belegolf squeezed her wolves and broke most of the bones in their bodies. Once she got in range, she cracked her whip at the ent, wrapping the whip around his leg. Belegolf growled in pain from the electricity now flowing through him, and realized he had no more time to play around with the beasts in his hands. So, Belegolf smashed the heads of the wolves together with great force, crushing their skulls and sending blood flying everywhere.

By the time Belegolf had tossed away the wolf corpses, the pain from the whip had become too much for him to bear and he fell to his knees. Fortunately, the sudden movement pulled the whip out of the hands of the woman and sent it flying out of her reach. Before she could react and go after her weapon, Belegolf smacked her, separating her from her beast and briefly knocking her out. Belegolf picked up her wolf, which was still in arm's reach from the ent. He grabbed the beast from both ends and began to pull with all his might in both directions. Seconds later, the wolf was torn in half, spilling it's guts all over the metal floor.

Belegolf discarded the remains and struggled back to his feet. By the time he made it to his feet and started working his way toward the woman, she was just starting to regain consciousness. She stood up and looked around to regain her bearings. As she looked up, she saw a frightening sight, the bottom of Belegolf's roots coming straight for her. It would be the last thing she ever saw, for she had no time to react before being stomped into the ground by the ent. Once Belegolf's foot was lifted away, all that was left was a pancake of flesh, bones and blood, barely discernible as ever being human.

Belegolf roared to the heavens in triumph, "Is that all you got, order scum! You will not defeat this ent with your petty beasts!"

Now that his enemies had been defeated, Belegolf decided to make his time trapped in this area somewhat useful. He approached the wall he had previously dented and took a quick look up to make sure there was no way over. Determined to prove the might of nature is stronger than metal, Belegolf repeatedly pounded on the dented spot of the wall in an attempt to break through.

[Adminbot]

Iam, the two facets of your writing that I feel like you have the least experience and practice with are the dialogue and the detail. As to the detail, I've just come to accept that you won't ever be the writer that expands on the descriptions and writes long posts. But as to the dialogue, even if you don't go into a lot of detail, you should be able to write dialogue well.

At the moment, your dialogue has two major weaknesses. One, you usually don't even include any at all when you post. Two, when you do include it, it's very forced. What that means is, you basically give everyone the same bland way of talking and make them all virtually identical. It really ignores their character traits and becomes more about you just getting the information across as soon as possible.

Two prime examples happen to be your recent An'mular post and your recent Belegolf post. As I did with the previous critiques, I'll post your original text in red, then offer some pointers, and then post my recommended text in blue.

As he walked past the council, he was stopped by Master Vandar, "An'mular, I'm glad you're here."

An'mular stopped and approached the council and Bastila, "Yes, master?"

"I haven't seen Master Vrook in some time, did you happen to see him out on the plains?"

"Yes, I aided him in battle against Instinct. He should be on his way back to the enclave."


Okay, first of all, I don't really like how you made it seem like Vandar knew where An'mular was. The last time he talked to An'mular, he sent him to speak with that guy in the Enclave about Tarentateks. He wasn't informed that An had gone off into the plains, so he certainly wouldn't have expected (or had reason to ask) An'mular to know where Vrook was. Furthermore, he more likely would have expressed concern that An'mular hadn't been present in the battle.

Also of note, An's reply seems to leave out a few details and just give the bare minimum information to Vandar. You might be able to get by with that minimum info stuff in the main body of your post, but when you're dealing with dialogue (especially when talking to a character that needs all the info he can get about Instinct), you shouldn't rush through it.

As he started to walk past the Council, not wanting to linger too long on the battlefield, Master Vandar's voice called out to him and stopped him in his tracks.

"An'mular, there you are. I was wondering where you had gone, I did not see you amidst the battle."

"I left the Enclave before this attack to take care of something out in the plains, Master," An'mular explained as he approached the Council and Bastila.

"What a coincidence. I have not seen Master Vrook since the hearing with you and Juhani. He stormed out into the plains, did you by chance happen to see him?"

"Yes, Master. On my way back to the Enclave, I caught sight of him engaging a Dark Jedi. It was Instinct again. I aided him in the battle, and we were joined by two others and a droid. He didn't want to talk to me after the fight, Instinct must have upset him somehow. But he should be alright, he wasn't injured that badly."

"Instinct spoke of brothers who are even faster than him. He also mentioned his master several times. Juhani was meant to join his group, until he was disappointed at her performance. He even attempted to recruit me."

While there isn't anything incorrect about the information, An'mular's words heavily imply some things that might not necessarily be true. When speaking about incomplete information, be sure not to express it as if your character knows it to be the case.

"During the battle, Instinct spoke of others... he referred to them as his brothers. He made statements that implied that they are even faster than he is. He also mentioned his Master several times, and I would think that his Master is even more powerful than his brothers. He originally pursued and corrupted Juhani to bring her into this group, and he even attempted to recruit me."

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With Belegolf's post, this becomes a lot more difficult to critique. You didn't actually have much dialogue other than Belegolf's defiant rage shout, and that was just Belegolf being Belegolf, so nothing to fix there. However, your opponent said nothing during the entire fight. Kupo originally portrayed her as a very talkative person and the kind of person to insult Belegolf and look down on him for being an "animal", so to speak. Also, IIRC, Kupo had her mention that she wasn't using the whip to attack Belegolf, but instead to command the wolves. Yet you had her attacking him with the whip anyway. It really felt like a break in her character. I expected her to say something like:

"You'll soon be obeying the crack of my whip just like these wolves, Ent!"

or

"How could you, a stupid beast, think that you could beat me and my well-trained pet wolves?"

or

"What an ill-behaved beast you are! You'll need lots of obedience training, won't you?"

For goodness sake, Iam, you didn't even have her say anything before Belegolf pancaked her. Everyone deserves at least one final line, at least a word.

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So, just some things to keep in mind when you're writing dialogue for your characters and other characters you interact with:

1) Be sure you don't have your character speak so certainly about information he doesn't actually know for certain.

2) Try not to make everyone sound like they're the same person just feeding each other the bare essential information to get by.

3) At least write SOME dialogue in your posts. It's easy to leave out dialogue and just focus on Entstomping or Animal fighting, or whatever else you focus on, but it does become a little stale without adding in a little variety here and there.

4) Be sure to keep characters in-character. If they're a silent type, it's okay not to give them any lines. But if they're a type that likes to mouth off, include them mouthing off.