Critical Analysis: JS

[Deleted]

((This post will contain only JS's original post. The analysis begins in post #2))

~JS's Post~

There he stood as he often did, enjoying a gentle breeze flowing through his shoulder length red hair whilst prepping mentally for the next mission. Leaning forward on a guardrail located at the front airship's deck, Zicksyll found a smile bubbling its way to the surface of his face, because no matter how many times he had looked out at that same scenery, it never got old. 'So Beautiful' - he thought to himself.

"YO, ZIX!" a familiar voice resonated loudly, breaking Zicksyll's concentration.

Turning around, he returned the greeting, "Bach, I was starting to think that you weren't going to come today..." pausing temporarily, Zix let smirk to form on his face before continuing, "... and here you had me convinced that you were chickening out."

"OH, ZIX, YOU ALWAYS SO FUNNY" the brutish half deaf pirate seemed to yell.

Zicksyll's smirk became a chuckle and soon he dropped into a sparring position, Bach followed suit. Some of the crew had gathered to witness the umpteenth round of the friendly rivalry that the two shared. Each of the crew present had began to place bids on who would win this round. "I just don't understand how Zix ever wins-" one pirate began, "-it's just... well, look at him! The size difference between the two of them is enormous!". Most of the crew nodded in agreement, for this was indeed true. Zicksyll being a man of average height was not only dwarfed in height, but in muscle mass as well.

"Bach may hold an impressive figure," another of the crew interjected, "... stand nearly 10 feet high, and weigh than a quarter ton, but he is still beat by Mr. Second-in-command roughly half the time"

"We already knew that, Haydn, what Schubert was asking is how he manages to do that..." another pirate said with an annoyed expression

"Oh, I believe I've heard him attribute that to something called Virtutem Cordi, it's probably some artifact that Zix looted on some mission" appearing satisfied with that answer, focus resumed on the spar currently taking place.

Cold metal pressed against Zicksyll's exposed flesh as Bach held him in a bear hug a few feet off the ground. Thinking quickly, Zix used what little room he had to move to shove the hilt of the Blood Sword into an exposed area within Bach's armor. Causing just enough pain, Bach loosened his grip ever so slightly and with a bit more wiggle room, Zix was able to free himself.

Now on the ground, Zix looked his rival in the eyes and began to speak; "I've got some things on my mind today, so if you don't mind I'll be finishing this one quickly" Zix told his half deaf foe as he unsheathed the Blood Sword and with the Blood Sword in one hand and its sheath in the other, a dual wielding stance was adopted as he dashed quickly at the much larger man. Assuming a defensive position, Bach prepared for whatever might come next. Zix jumped a few feet in the air slamming his sheath towards the large mans helmet, the attack was blocked with Bach's gauntlet however.

'Just as I had planned' Zix thought to himself

Still airborn, Zicksyll took advantage of the momentum created by the resulting clash and before anyone realized what was going on, Zix was high in the air. Gravity doing its job, Zix came down as he proceeded to land on Bach's massive forearm. Not wasting a second, Zix twisted around and held the Blood Sword pointed at Bach's jugular, signifying victory.

"Looks like I win this one, old pal" Zix declared as he hopped off of the large arm of Bach.

"WOW ZIX, I AB-SO-LUTE-LY COULD NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING" Bach replied, struggling on the larger word

"Let's do it again tomorrow," Zix said as he began to walk towards his cabin "by the way..." he said aloud as he stopped and turned around to face Bach, "I'm still in the lead in case you forgot." Bach laughed a hearty laugh and Zix retired to his room.

---

Screams and shrills of death were all that could be heard and the smell of death was potent. As Zix looked around he noticed figures committing suicide and others begging the Celestials not to die. Looking up it seemed as if the sky were falling, and one of its pieces seemed to "No, that can't be right" Zix said as one of the shattered pieces of the sky seemed to be falling right on top of him. Finding himself unable to move, it seemed as if he'd be crushed...

KNOCK KNOCK

Zicksyll awoke in a cold sweat, unsure if the two knocks on the door were actually that or if his heart trying to jump out of his chest, though he reasoned it was the former. The knocks themselves signified that Zicksyll was needed on deck, and that they were most likely about to land at the Roc Archipelago.

The dream still dominated his thoughts though, 'Another nightmare... is something big about to happen? Were those my comrades? That Nesqari that told us that we could look forward to some great loot... was he up to something?... Regardless, it seems that I've lost track of time', Getting up and grabbing a few things from his room, Zix departed and soon arrived on deck.

Walking through a crowd, Zix heard a voice, "Ah, my right-hand-man shows up at last... I hope you got yer beauty sleep, Precious." a lack of sincerity carried through his words, regardless, Zix recognized the voice immediately as the man known simply as 'Captain'

Rubbing his eyes as if mocking what Captain had just said, Zix replied "Oh, that and a bit more Captain", Zix let out a yawn while he stretched and then took his position standing beside Captain in front of the rest of the crew as Captain began to explain the change of plans.

"Lookie here boys," Captain began, "this is unfortunate, but I'll keep it short and sweet"

Strange looks were exchanged as Captain continued...

"It seems we've been led to our deaths, that Nesqari no doubt had his hand in this... Regardless, it's been good serving with you all", and with that Captain left, leaving dumbfounded expressions on everyone's faces. Zix perhaps, was the most dumbfounded as all eyes were now on him, desperately looking for answers.

Zix began to try and come up with some sort of explanation, but right as he began to speak, one of the smaller islands that were floating above the ship began to fall. Schubert was the first to point it out, and the panic that was just birthed gave way to chaos.

'It was a vision', Zix thought to himself, 'And I was too late'. Everything in the vision was coming true, even the sky falling. Having never seen what happens after the sky falls, Zix simply closed his eyes and awaited his fate.

...

However, when he opened them again, he found himself laying in a patch of grass. Presumably strange wind magics had carried him to the top of the falling island, effectively saving him from being crushed.

'I am all that is left... But what am I to do? What do I have left?!' having everything taken from him, Zix wasn't sure how to feel anything other than despair. Feeling as though the end was drawing nigh, Zix pulled out his ocarina and began to play on it in an attempt to set his mind at ease.

The decent of the island was painfully slower than Zix had hoped, but it gave him time to think. His mind was at ease now, though his heart had fallen victim to despair. Several memories flashed through his mind as he searched for something to give him the strength to carry on, and that's when it hit him.

Still laying down, Zix closed his eyes and shouted loudly "Virtutem Cordi"... His mind now clear of doubts and his heart set on starting anew, Zix spoke his favorite incantation. "Volare"

As he opened his eyes again, Zix looked down to notice the island descending further and further below until it crashed into the sea. Zix was now alone in the sky levitating between several islands, and as he looked around he noticed several other islands beginning to fall and crash into the sea as well. The dying gasp of wind magics seemed to erupt from beneath the islands as a mixture of sea water and wind magic were sent skywards.

'It looks like I'll be taking the hard way to the islands', Zix thought to himself, but in relishing the sensation of flight he forgot all about how much flying that would have to be, and simply laughed at how he hid this and his other true powers from his comrades. 'Onwards, I suppose' and so he flew.

---

Several minutes of flying later, Zix landed on one of the islands. Taking in his surroundings, Zix quickly realized that the Roc Archipelago was still at war. Sighing, at how they were tricked by that Nesqari, Zix began to see if he could find anything of value around the islands, avoiding as much unnecessary bloodshed as possible.

As he stopped at one body to see what loot it might hold, he noticed how cleanly the head was removed from the body and how there seemed to be a noticeable lack of blood surrounding the body.

'What could have...' stopping mid thought, Zix noticed a man running and screaming at him, intent to kill obvious "Pfft, amateur" Zix said aloud.

"DIE COALITION SCUM!!!" the man began "GET OFF OUR ISLAND NYMPH!" not knowing when to shut up the man kept hurling insults at Zicksyll while charging towards him. Realizing that this man was all bark and no bite, Zix decided to have some fun with him by running backwards in a circle sometimes pretending to be out of breath so that the man would take a swing at him.

"donna ye fer! da goblin bros uh her!" a pair of voices cried out

Cat and mouse now temporarily on pause, the two participants in the game glanced over to notice a pair of goblins, one short and stocky, the other slightly taller. The stocky one was first to attack, as he sei-jumped on top of the man's head and then heelkicked the man in the back of the head before hopping down. The taller goblin noticed that it was his turn and while the man was hunched over in pain, the goblin delivered an uppercut to the man's head.

"ta da!" The goblins cheered, impressed with their own work

"My heroes!" Zicksyll exclaimed, "Would you like to help me find some... T R E A S U R E?" he asked knowing the goblins wouldn't turn him down

"Ya ya, lotsa gold coins, gold coins, gold coins" the goblins responded obviously holding some strange obsession with gold drachma

Zicksyll then resumed his looting spree with additional help. Though the looting spree was rather depressing as it seemed that every corpse that they came across had nothing of any use on it. But it wasn't too long until a much needed change of pace was to occur, because in the distance Zicksyll noticed a young woman carrying a katana dripping with blood.

'So beautiful' - he thought to himself

[Deleted]

~Analysis~

So, just as a quick recap, I would like to start off by saying that the post as a whole was pretty good. I liked the overall pacing and progression, and it was a good introduction to Zicksyll as a character. On the other hand, there were a lot of things in the spelling, grammar, and syntax of your writing that kept bringing be out of the immersion. As such, this analysis is going to focus mostly on those aspects, and not so much on the content itself. Additionally, it'd be exhaustive and far too over officious to review every single line of the post, so I'll simply take segments where I felt the problems were most glaring and focus on those. In any case, let's get started.


Now on the ground, Zix looked his rival in the eyes and began to speak; "I've got some things on my mind today, so if you don't mind I'll be finishing this one quickly" Zix told his half deaf foe as he unsheathed the Blood Sword and with the Blood Sword in one hand and its sheath in the other, a dual wielding stance was adopted as he dashed quickly at the much larger man. Assuming a defensive position, Bach prepared for whatever might come next. Zix jumped a few feet in the air slamming his sheath towards the large mans helmet, the attack was blocked with Bach's gauntlet however.

This chunk here contains a few of the more prominent examples of things that distracted me while I was reading your post. First off, your use of periods, commas, semicolons, and punctuation in general seems to be very confused. Secondly, the way you handle a lot of the dialogue is very strange. And thirdly, sometimes your word choice and word positioning is a bit awkward. I've reworked the chunk below into something that amends these issues.

Now on the ground, Zix looked up to his rival's eyes and began to speak. "I've got some things on my mind today, so if you don't mind, I'll finish this match quickly." As he informed his foe of his intent, Zix unsheathed the Blood Sword. With blade in one hand and sheathe in the other, he dropped into a dual-wielding stance and dashed quickly at the vastly larger man. Assuming a defensive posture, Bach merely waited for what might come from his smaller foe. As he closed in, Zix jumped several feet into the air, swinging his sheathe toward Bach's helmet. The attack was blocked as Bach brought his gauntlet up to greet it.

Three main things to take away from this:

1) Try saying what you write aloud and placing commas where there are natural pauses in your speech. Additionally, be mindful of your punctuation. It's almost never necessary to use a semicolon when you're entering into dialogue, and if dialogue is part of a previous sentence, don't have more sentence continue after the dialogue. This creates awkward and lengthy sentences. Finally, never, ever, EVER end a sentence on words like 'however'. These types of words imply an interjection or a contradiction to the expected, and when you have them follow up the explanation of what they were meant to contradict, it significantly weakens their impact and can disrupt the reader.

2) Repetition might be the mother of skill, but it is not the lover of literature. Try to be mindful of how many times you say certain things. Bach has been described numerous times as a large/big man, so you should try to find a different way to describe him, or highlight his size from a different angle. What I did was take a brief glance through Bach's perspective in noting Zix as the much smaller foe. Alternatively, if you can't think of a way to describe something differently, it will suffice simply to use its name.

3) Word choice is very, very important. The biggest example I could see here was how you describe the sheathe slamming toward Bach's helmet. But implicit in the word 'slam', or any other sound-ish words like 'smash', is the notion that it is a sound. It is coming from something that has hit/connected with its target already. To slam toward something seems incongruous with that concept, and creates a disconnect. Try to pick your words carefully when describing action, and be sure that they fit what you're attempting to write. On a slightly related note, be mindful of your use of voice and tense. I noticed you have a tendency to put everything in the passive voice and past tense. While this combination certainly has its uses and merits, it's not necessarily a good idea to put EVERYTHING into this sort of format. It saps a lot of the strength from the narrative, which only really builds up on active, here-and-now action from the characters.

The dream still dominated his thoughts though, 'Another nightmare... is something big about to happen? Were those my comrades? That Nesqari that told us that we could look forward to some great loot... was he up to something?... Regardless, it seems that I've lost track of time', Getting up and grabbing a few things from his room, Zix departed and soon arrived on deck.

In this portion, I can see where you were going with it. It's a segment of Zix's scattered thoughts and worries derived from a dream he just had. He's only just woken up and his mind is a little hazy and frazzled. So it's understandable that he'd have a bit of a hectic thought process. However, the way you wrote this, it's almost like one single sentence. There's no real stopping point, and some awkwardly used pauses.

That dream still dominated his thoughts, though. 'Another nightmare... what does this mean? Is something big about to happen? Those people dying... were they my comrades?' Shaking his head and burying his anxiety for the moment, Zix rose from his bed. 'Anyway, I'm needed on deck.' He quickly gathered what he needed from his cabin and left his room, and his dream, behind for now.

One thing that always bothered me about your original text was how you brought up the Nesqari. I think this was a little of your own OoC knowledge seeping into the text. I don't quite know why Zix would suspect the Nesqari if his Captain trusted the lizard's word enough to come hunting treasure here, and all Zix really has to go on is a bad dream. Aside from that, I also wanted to add in a clarification on 'were they my comrades?' since it's not entirely clear what Zix means in the original text. Additionally, who would think words like 'regardless' in a frazzled state? I think switching it to 'anyway' is probably for the better in this context. One final note, it sort of goes without saying that Zix would have lost track of time; he's been asleep. But ultimately, what is important here isn't the time. Zix didn't oversleep, something is happening to the ship. The point is that Zix is needed on deck. Sometimes keeping things simple and basic is the best option.

"donna ye fer! da goblin bros uh her!" a pair of voices cried out

[action]

"ta da!" The goblins cheered, impressed with their own work

"My heroes!" Zicksyll exclaimed, "Would you like to help me find some... T R E A S U R E?" he asked knowing the goblins wouldn't turn him down

"Ya ya, lotsa gold coins, gold coins, gold coins" the goblins responded obviously holding some strange obsession with gold drachma

This might be more out of bias than anything else, but... I really hate accents being portrayed in text. It almost never comes out sounding the way the author meant it to sound. Readers may imagine something else entirely, or get confused and not really understand the dialogue. I know you're attempting to make the Goblins sound stupid, but there's a much easier way to do this.

"You no fear! Goblin Bros here!" a pair of shrill and raspy voices cried out in unison.

[action]

"Ta da!" the Goblins cheered, impressed with their handiwork.

Going with the flow, Zicksyll praised the dull creatures, all the while thinking of how he might make even more use of them. They clearly mistook him for one of their own side. "My heroes!" he exclaimed. "Say, would you two like to help me? I'm looking for treasure." When they seemed incapable of understanding him, he elaborated. "You know, gold. G O L D. Coins. C O I N S."

Zix had appealed to their greedy side. They wouldn't refuse once they understood, and understand they did. "Ya, ya!" they shrieked in delight. "Gold coinses! Lotsa gold coinses!"

This takes care of having the Goblins seem stupid and easily manipulated without writing with strange words that may or may not be properly interpreted by the reader. It's always jarring to a reader to come across badly misspelled words, intentionally or not. When you simplify the speech as I did, it gets the stupidity aspect across without giving the impression that they're using some sort of accent or inflection that the reader has to puzzle out. The brain can instantly interpret these lines as "Oh, okay, so the Goblins are idiots."


On a final summing up sort of note, I'll give your post an overall rating with what I thought was good and bad.

+Beginning and ending the post with Zix admiring the 'scenery' and thinking 'so beautiful'. I like things that come full circle like that.
+The post was paced fairly well. You went through four or five scenes in 10,000 characters and yet things never felt rushed.
+We get a good sense of Zicksyll as a character in the post. You did a nice job classifying his personality and conveying that to the reader. I feel like it will be easy to write for him because his personality and demeanor are so clear.
-I was not overly fond of Zix and the Captain apparently blaming all of this on the Nesqari. I don't see how they arrived at that conclusion, and have to chalk this up to you plugging in OoC knowledge of the Nesqari's true allegiance.
-Grammatical errors, punctuation confusion, word choice, and the way you structured a lot of sentences feels a little shaky. This will all probably start coming back to you as you get back into the flow of writing, though.

Anyway, that's all for this analysis.